I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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