and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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