We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
