i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
