if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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