mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
