I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
