I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
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He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
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You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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