he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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