There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
