i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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