When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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