All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
