I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
