I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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