Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
