Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
