I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
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She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
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Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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