I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Im part way to drunk.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
