The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
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