We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
