Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
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