Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
