New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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