she woke up with a sticky ear
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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