When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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