Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
