I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
