I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Rumble strips road head = magical
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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