dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize