that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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