I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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