She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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