yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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