The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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