Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
just tell him i said nine months
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
