My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
this will be a night to untag.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
