You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
