the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
