I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
