This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Please don't give away my fajitas
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
