I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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