yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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