i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
