I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
