I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
