Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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