Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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