I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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