I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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