I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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