After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
