i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
