Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
