Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
