In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Randomize