I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
