My first STD was from a foam party
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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