i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
